Lecture 28: Help Children Cope with the Trauma: The Best Practices

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Transcript

There are several steps to follow to reduce the traumatic effects of divorce and breakups on children. And now that you've taken care of yourself and you begin to feel a bit better, you should really ensure that you start providing the stability, structure and continuity that your children need. So you've got to support them by helping them express their emotions if they feeling angry or anxious or upset. Don't tell them to stop feeling those emotions, committed to the listening to those feelings without getting defensive. Listen and help them find words for their feelings, acknowledging their right to their feelings. So for example, if your kid says to you, I'm so angry and they're like, fighting and screaming, I say to them, I really understand that you're angry right now.

What is it that you're angry about? Tell me about it. I'm here to help. be interested, be curious. And make sure that they get that it's okay to feel the feelings that they feeling. Also let them know that even though physical circumstances have the facts units are going to change, that they continue to have healthy and loving relationships with both of their parents.

Reassurance and consistency is so key in the early days of a divorce or breakup, to tell them that although the love between mom and dad has changed, and that mom and dad are no longer in love with each other, that that kind of love is very different than the love between a parent and a child. Explain to them that love between a parent and a child is forever and special and to infinity and beyond. They've got to understand that love is different between different partners and different contexts. Often what children think is because love has an end to between the parents that somehow love aims for them to tell your children the same things over and over again, to prove that there is consistency routine is also really important. If you continue with the routines and you continue with consistent messages. They will eventually habituate to those messages and eventually believe Yes, there's consistency and yes, I can believe this.

How you communicate with him. It's Key, it may be difficult to strike an empathetic tone and address the most important points right up front. But give your children the benefit of an honest, child friendly explanation. explain to them what has happened but don't give them all the ins and outs and gory details. There are still kids off to roll they do not need to know that they father had an affair or that their mother ran off with somebody or whatever that kind of detail could influence their view of the other parent. Providing continuity is also important.

They need a sense of routine provided by a certain amount of structure such as dependable meal and bedtimes, leisure and work times. being consistent in those routines and explanations of what happened. Part of what makes them feel secure. Children have very keen attention to detail when they are stressed. So repeating the same reason for your divorce or breakups several times is is an important message that makes them feel grounded. Sometimes they need to hear the same message hundred times you know how often kids can ask why, why, why?

You got to have exactly the same answer every time. Try to have a plan with your ex so that they also do the same thing. Now, when you're communicating with kids as you're communicating with anybody 80% of your communication is related to tone and body language. Ensure that you have a very calm and grounded tone before engaging in communication with them. If you're getting stuck with your kids, and you're not sure what to do with your particular kid, make sure that you get help. Yeah, at neck divorce.

We help a lot of people who have trouble with their kids trouble with their exes. We help them brainstorm, brainstorm and roleplay conversation. So feel free to get in touch with us. If there's something specific you need to know

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